HEARTBROKEN: Are you missing someone today?
By Sally Tippett Rains
Are you missing someone? Missing someone can be many different things. There are many ways we can be missing someone.
During COVID-19 we may have loved-ones we are unable to see, or we might miss the happy hugs, hand shakes, and kisses from family members or friends.
If you have a child suffering with a disease– you still have your child, but during the treatment, you may be missing that spunky, healthy kid you used to know. If you have an older loved-one who has memory problems, you may be missing having a good-old conversation with them. Maybe you miss someone who moved away. It’s almost embarrassing to put that in the same list as some of the others, but separation by miles can definitely be heartbreaking for some.
You might have a spouse who is so stressed out about everything that he or she is always pre-occupied and on edge, and you miss the carefree fun you used to have with them.
And of course you could be heartbroken because you are missing someone who has passed away.
When someone passes away it is devastating when it first happens; and you go through stages, but your life will never be the same. There will always be piece of your heart that is missing, but in time you can (and should) be able to live your life, albeit in a different way.
Speaking of missing someone, sometimes I just miss “myself.” There’s a meme that says “Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.” I sometimes feel like for me it should read, “From all the things I’ve been through I miss the old ‘me’ I used to be.”
If you are feeling that way, then we need to give ourselves a break. We are still great and we can still achieve excellence– just maybe in a different way. We might not be as good as we once were, but we’re as good once as we ever were! (Thanks Toby Keith for that sentiment.)
Taylor Swift once said, “When you are missing someone, time seems to move slower.” That’s so true if we are dwelling on that person. Even if it is something as simple as waiting for someone to get home, it seems like it takes forever.
Many songwriters have written about heartbreak and missing someone. If I am missing someone, a song can sometimes help. One of the best is Garth Brooks’ song, The Dance: “I’m glad I didn’t know the way it all would end, the way it all would go. My life is better left to chance, I could have missed the pain, but I’d have had to miss the dance.”
Just that right there, can lift our spirits because it turns us from sadness and feeling heartbroken from missing someone to remembering the good times. I know on the day my grandsons leave to go to their home in another state I feel sad to see them and their parents go– but then as I’m cleaning up I find little treasures that remind me of all the fun we had.
There are little reminders all around for anyone we are missing. It’s healthy to miss someone because that means you had some great times together, but it’s sort of doing them a disservice to continue longing for what may be gone. Life changes, but we can make adjustments. We can choose happy.
Your child, parent, friend, or spouse may be a little different due to circumstances, but you can still have a great life with the person they are right now. After the initial heartbreaking pain of a loved-one’s death (or the death of what we thought our life would be) we will find that life can still be joyful despite our loss.
Whether we are separated by uncontrollable change, distance or death, it’s ok to acknowledge we feel heartbroken; but then we need to do something to help us keep going.
Every day I thank God for my strong, healthy mind. It’s what keeps me moving forward. Some of the things I have experienced are unbearable when I think of them, and I’m sure that’s true with you. You never thought that something like that could happen to you– but it did.
So here we are. Are we going to live our life sad or happy? Do we want to put on our sweat pants (or robe), lay on the couch and feel sorry for ourself– or are we going to honor that person we miss, and get up and live?
Do we want to be known as “that poor person” and make sure everyone knows how much we are suffering– or do we want to be a shining example to others. My favorite question: Are we going to be pitiful or powerful. I choose powerful.
I know there are those who look down on my mantra of “choose happy”– and as I say, just because I choose happy, I am not a Pollyanna. I get down just like everyone else, but I am determined to survive. And I’m determined to help others– like you– survive.
Those who say things like, “this pandemic is going to make people depressed” are not choosing happy. Those who say, “it’s ok to…” fill in the blanks on people who are giving us permission to wallow during this coronavirus time. I’m just not going to do it.
Of course it’s not a good situation, but if we try to look at things in the best possible way then people around us won’t get depressed and neither will we. If we are doing fun things with our kids, we can help eliminate some of that depression the experts are telling us will happen. I’m not going to let this pandemic beat me and I’m not going to let the fact that I miss my loved-ones steal my joy.
We all put on our sweat pants and lay on the couch some days. It’s called a “Mental Health” day. I’m not knocking resting and looking out for ourselves. I have watched back to back (to back) episodes of Dr. Phil from my couch on occasion, and I’m known to cry at the drop of a hat if something hits me wrong.
I’m talking about just going on and on in our wallowing and feeling sorry for ourselves– and never finding relief. One of these days we all have to wake up and live our life– or risk the chance of all the negative that can come with feeling sorry for ourselves.
What happens to those who wallow away in their heartbreak? They gain weight because the “just don’t care anymore.” They develop health problems. Every day is a new problem, headache, stomach ache, and if we do it long enough, worse things happen to us. They can’t sleep because they alway have that sadness on their mind. They might even turn to excessive alcohol or drugs or dangerous lifestyles.
If we choose to live the life of a “victim” every day, it can affect or family life, our friendships, and eventually the way we feel about ourselves.
Even in the midst of a completely chaotic life, I have always strived to find a way to salvage a few good minutes from the day. It’s like when I have a headache. I can become crabby, feel bad, be of no good help to anyone around me and bring others down— or I can (as I say) “pop and Advil and move on.” That’s a saying I made up and I would say it to my kids when I thought any of us were basking in a little too much sympathy. I’d say “Pop an Advil and move on,” meaning, “Hey lets’ try to do something to rectify this situation.”
If you are still feeling heartbroken over something that isn’t new, maybe it’s time to get up and do something. When our heartbreak is new, it’s hard to get up and we have to honor our feelings, but even small baby steps help us to move forward in our healing and in living our lives.
If you are missing someone, why not make plans to do something fun that you enjoy(ed) doing with that person. It might help to look at old videos (movies) or pictures, but if you find that only makes you sadder, then find a song to cheer yourself up.
Another one besides Garth Brooks that I like is Ronnie Milsap’s “I Wouldn’t Have Missed it For the World.”
Just because you are choosing the positive road rather than the pitiful road does not mean you don’t miss the person. It means you are trying to be strong.
Look at you. You are doing a great job. You are juggling a lot of things and really working hard– and most days you are rocking it! And on those days when you aren’t feeling as strong, remember Psalms 34:16 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Have a great week. Share this with someone who may need it. Choose Happy.
“For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come; nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” — Romans 8:38-39
“Ever has it been, that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.” — Khalil Gibran
If your heartbreak is new, rest up. Take care of yourself and know I am praying for you. If there is anything I can do for you please let me know. If your heartbreak is not new– if it’s something you have been suffering with but are still having a hard time dealing with it, try to figure out positive ways you can live your life.
One Last Thought:
In my book Choose Happy; Find Contentment in Any Situation, my friend Karen Garrett had a great message. When she was going through an extremely tough time and she was so angry at someone, thinking “I will never have a happy life again” someone made her think. What good does it do to carry a bad situation with you thinking you will never be happy again? The only one who wins in that situation is the person who is causing you the anxiety. Whether you are mad at someone or you miss them, let go of those feelings and forgive the situation and get back to living your life.
Sally Tippett Rains is a motivational speaker, inspirational writer and author of 13 books. She is the volunteer Executive Director of Rainbows for Kids and content manager for STLSportsPage.com.